It Must Be Felt With the Heart
by IsabelleB
Summary: Dan needs to write a book. When his family and friends can't inspire him, he turns to drastic measures. Dan/Blair.
1. Prologue

**It Must Be Felt With the Heart**

IsabelleB.

Summary: Dan needs to write a book. When his family and friends can't inspire him, he turns to drastic measures. Dan/Blair.

AN: This is set during the summer before Season 5. Every couple (Dair, Nair, Chair, Blouis, Derena, Nenny, Serenate, and Rufly) is explored here. So if you cannot stomach it, leave now. Lastly, Vanessa, Diana and Charlie are still lost in a we-don't-care land. Enjoy.

**Prologue**

_**Another Muse**_

His publishers are eager for him to make another.

They love the allure of his book: a coming of age story for the teens, an innate introspective glimpse at life for the intellectually inclined. It hits all the right demographics and the critics marvel over the immeasurable potential for this untapped author. He shows a lot of promise, they keep telling him. But he repeatedly explains to them that it's impossible; he's lost all inspiration to write. His NYU classes lack enlightenment, his personal life in the Upper East Side has crashed and burned because of his book and his family's bond too fragile to continually expose to the masses.

Instead, they suggest that he take the semester off.

He battles over it with his dad but since he's somewhat depressed, and in need of direction, he takes it. That's when his publishers tell him he should consider what they call a 'roving' trip; travel the world with a companion, all expenses on them. It's all with the intention of him finding the next big idea.

He protests, but they insist he'll find another muse.

_**A Great Time Nonetheless**_

It's poignant that Serena jumps at the opportunity to travel with him. He's not sure she's the first person he would have invited but he ignores that thought before it can manifest into something else. Within days, they are on a plane mapping their journey together.

He is firm in his decision that there will be _no Rome or Paris_ on their itinerary. By pure neurotic propensity, he's already deduced a non-Blair-related reason for his positioning. She accepts his explanation that those cities have been overly done, but he conveniently leaves out the part about how he's suddenly started imagining his first visits to be with someone a little more brunette.

They have a great time nonetheless.

He marvels in Galway when his hand touches water from the other side of the Atlantic, he teases Serena for mastering the art of funneling, and he skypes Blair once or twice before realizing he won't get an answer.

He would ask Serena about it, but she doesn't really like to talk about her.

He wants to say he misses her too. Yet, he knows it might make it worse.

_**Serena Thrives, Of Course**_

They travel Morocco next.

Though he's initially confused by her easy acceptance, Serena quickly reminds him of how fond she is of the sun. He finds it ironic that her only reason for going is his only reason for not wanting to. They arrive and he can't believe how much Marrakech weighs on his soul.

Serena thrives, of course.

It makes sense. She's never been bound by customs and ethics. She's heard of them but they can barely touch her. The same concept applies here.

He instead banishes himself to the night.

They eagerly ride their rented dirt bikes through the desert, visit the Moroccan spas filled with precious oils and eat like royalty on the rooftop of the country's capital at night. On their last day, he emails Blair about his first Henna tattoo and brags about his instant mastery of the Arabic language.

He can't find her email back to him, but his chest feels lighter.

_**It's Not Happy News**_

Serena gets him to smoke in Amsterdam.

He's shocked at how much it doesn't trouble him that he likes it. They go to the Anne Frank house on his insistence, and they go to the Red Light district on hers. He hates Amsterdam. Too many doe eyed brunettes, he grimaces. Then again, he's high.

He texts Blair that much, when he receives his new international phone.

No answer, but maybe the phone isn't working properly. He doesn't think Serena calls her anymore, but he can't remember if it's because she found a new best friend or because she's scared to admit to someone she knows that she misses Nate.

It doesn't matter.

Alas.

They shed tears in Pompeii. And while the embodied remains of the dormant town move them, it's ultimately the end of their relationship that touches them more. He still can't write his novel, and she still can't find her path. She still isn't convinced that he can be her savior, and he still isn't convinced that she will be his muse.

He thinks about traveling to Monaco to tell Blair about it, but he remembers that she probably doesn't care.

Instead he goes home.

Rufus and Lily are eager to hear the tales of his cross-continental trip (it has to be amazing, Lily insists, because Serena hasn't returned yet). He tells them what he thinks they want to hear. That he visited all the culturally simulating locales, that Serena is really growing up from this experience on her own, that his return means, even if it turns out to be untrue, that there will be no Dan-and-Serena part thirty-two.

It's not happy news, and no one else realizes it.

If Serena can't motivate him, and if he can't save Serena -

_**The Upper East Side is Still Talking**_

He finds himself roaming the streets of New York.

Different streets, different stories - but nothing he wants to write about.

The Upper East Side is still talking about him.

He's stop trying to explain that his book isn't about Serena Der Woodson but he understands it's hard comprehending a world that isn't. She's only given a few mentions, but just like in true form, she eclipses the true inspiration of his book.

He avoids it, by avoiding them.

He hears through his dad that Serena has returned from Europe. Vaguely remembers also hearing that she's return to Nate. Of course, it wasn't without its trials and tribulations. She thinks she's a lesbian first, too much trouble second, and not good enough for him third. But because Nate is unwavering, they finally come together.

He can't wait for the inevitable wedding invitation.

He could have received one already but he's so lost. He doesn't read the news, doesn't look for classes for the next semester and doesn't listen to Rufus about his immobility.

He just walks the streets of New York.

_**Just One Kiss**_

When he finally bumps into Blair, he's drowning in a cloud of void.

He can barely see anyone, but she's so bright.

He hates the party.

He only goes to the penthouse because Lily insists that his absence has caused concern. Rufus, Lily, Serena, Nate, Chuck - He hadn't really thought about the possibility of Blair being there; hadn't even phantom the idea of still caring.

He can't decide if it's too soon or too late to see her.

Per usual, she doesn't allow him to make that decision.

"Most people caught in a scandal, Humphrey, use the publicity," she says to him, her infamous snare still in tow. "They don't slump it in the outer boroughs."

If he hadn't been forcibly standing there - extremely drunk, he'd have said something back. As a result, she looks as worried as he looks indifferent. When he realizes Lily's watchful eye is preoccupied by talks of expensive drapery, he bolts in a hurry. It's a safety precaution. He has learned after months of reflection that his insider status has left him far more insecure than his life as outsider ever did. He also knows why so many Upper East Siders seek therapy. There's always someone moderating including him and he really needs to clear his head.

He walks for miles until he reaches Brooklyn; until he reaches the loft; until he's standing right back where he started. As fate would have it, his impromptu walk to Brooklyn leaves him staring right into Blair's inescapable intense brown eyes. Disheveled and unwary, she's exiting a cab just as he decides that his walk to her wasn't really random at all.

"I assume I'll be seeing you at the Christine Burgin Gallery," she starts offensively, "perhaps as the inspiration for one of the paintings?"

He glares at her, knowing this is an affront; it's her foul way of saying he looks miserable. And of course, he has no comeback ready for her because that's how he feels. "You've seen the exhibit?" He responds weakly.

She shakes her head – walks a little closer to him. He has to look down, because her ridiculously pink dress is distracting. "Your sad attempt at a tragedy reminds me I have an appointment on Thursday. You should come," she continues, placing her hand through his unshaven hair, "show the world that there are more depressing fates."

His eyes darken; he wants to immediately love her and it enrages him. How can she not know that she's the reason he's so lost in the first place?

Just one kiss – that's it.

No one could have possibly imagined it then - their lives coming together. But now, it's a half a year later and nothing's different. As questions stand, he still doesn't know if she married, currently engaged, or completely uninterested.

But this time, he can honestly say he doesn't care.

As he pulls her away from the taxi on the corner curb, its then that he realizes he's not her friend, not her fiancé, never was her boyfriend (though at one point he wanted to be), he's just her secret.

And now with this new kiss, he'll become her scandal.

Everything that hurts about this realization is what guarantees that it will happen. They barely make it to his door before they start fighting. He begins to lose track somewhere, but he knows a few things are certain: He's winning their tongue battle, she's losing her clothes, he's losing his sense of balance, she's winning control, he's winning his way in as she's losing her stance, he's losing his mind and she's winning his soul.

Its one hell of a story he writes about her - about all of them.

Want to know how his second novel single-handedly brought the Upper East Side on its knees?


	2. What's the Harm in Writing A Story

**It Must Be Felt With the Heart**

**IsabelleB.**

**Chapter 1: What's the Harm in Writing A Story**

**_The Most Beautiful Words_**

In his second novel, he writes the most beautiful words about her best friend.

_Unsettling Compassion. Astounding Resilience. Gallant Beauty._

He writes chapter after chapter about her, but just like in true form, it doesn't take more than a couple of words to love her. She's his golden goddess and as a writer, he goes to great lengths to highlight her importance. His energy is vibrant when she's there, and his world turns dark when she disappears. Still, it takes Dan Humphrey by complete surprise when the world resolves that this new novel is _not _about Serena Van Der Woodsen.

* * *

><p><strong><em>All He Can See Is Gray<em>**

In a few weeks' time, he and Blair (because they still can't cope with the idea of an 'us') are locked into a routine that the upper eastside gods themselves couldn't break. Despite his numerous obligations and a major book to write, he never misses a moment with her. She's free on Mondays when Louis' at his weekly summit meetings, available on Thursdays when Dorota returns to her apartment in Queens and open on Fridays for her "I'm-having-an-affair-so-I-made-up-a-class-on-Friday" discussion group. She's never late.

She pushes him up against the wall when she enters, pulls at the buttons on the bottom of his flannel shirt, buries her face in alcove of his neck - he thinks he might die in those moments.

As she kisses down his neck, he deliberates on how he wants to take her this time. She begs for vigor and force; she states rather quickly and with zealous that she's good at hiding the bruises.

He doesn't know if he should tell her how turned off he is by that statement.

He wants calm and peace with her; but statements like that just plague him with doubts and worries. Now, he wonders how she knows how to hide the bruises; or more specifically, why she's had practice hiding them before?

He can't.

Instead, he heeds to her moaning and whimpers; tries to imagine that he's her first.

Her first time, he thinks to himself. Her first secret; her first love.

Her first affair.

Its biggest lie he's ever told himself but he shrugs it off rather quickly. Whatever it takes to forget the other man who holds all of those titles. A man who he's not even sure has stopped inflicting those same bruises –

He fails.

As he kisses down her neck all he can think about is the added layers of makeup, a dark knight with an alcohol problem, and he grudgingly ponders about a small cut on Blair's face.

It all bothers him.

He can feel her utter disappointment as he pulls away from her softly. She looks so unhappy. Did he just make her so unhappy? She sighs and rests her head against his shoulder and without even a word, he gives in.

She can have anything she wants from him. And its feels so - wrong.

No longer can he carry with him his beliefs of black and white: there are no rights and wrongs but kind-ofs and sort-ofs; no friends and foes but associates and contacts; no soulmates and true loves but random pairings and unpredictable gambles.

He used to be a man looking for solid answers, but now his world is getting grayer by the moment.

Even with her encouraging smile and deep-seeded yearning, all he can see is gray.

He kisses her to make it go away.

It's when he starts tearing at her blouse that he suddenly looks up to find his father is watching –

Rufus Humphrey is the first person to find out about their affair –

And he is distraught.

His dad thinks it would be a good idea to surprise him with some early morning waffles. He finds out fairly quickly that it isn't.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Wanting Something More<em>**

Two hours later, he still can't get Rufus to stop talking.

You were raised better than this, he keeps saying, but Dan can't hear him over the sounds of his hypocrisy.

What happened to wanting something more, he wants to scream but it's definitely not the right time to say it. It would be an understatement to say his father looks hurt.

And well - Its not like he isn't making sense.

He's heard nothing but bad things about Blair: the yogurt in Jenny's hair; the tyranny of her high school rein; the ruined birthdays; the blatant sabotage; Jenny's banishment and now his own digestion.

His dad wants him to promise that it's over.

He never answers and instead thinks of dark brown hair and soft kisses. He'd rather choke on his own words than give her up.

And that's exactly what he does, when his father requests that he moves out of the Brooklyn loft; chokes on his words that this thing with Blair means more to him than his dad's approval. He chokes, then packs a bag; then he counts his money; then he finds himself a hotel.

His dad won't have this affair in his household, fatefully –

And Dan writes a whole chapter about how he won't have this affair at all.

* * *

><p><strong>His Book Can't Take That Away From Her<strong>

That's why in his second novel, he writes the most beautiful words about her best friend.

_Unsettling Compassion. Astounding Resilience. Gallant Beauty._

He tried his hardest to hide the girl he really loves. This time, he wants Serena's splendor to ellipse them.

However in an astonishing turn of events – the golden girl with compassion, resilience, and beauty doesn't hold a candle to the girl who's _fiercely strong, independent, and outspoken._

_The brunette girl is beautiful and capable of anything, _one journalist writes in his review of the novel. Despite his deepest efforts, apparently, even his book _can't take that away from her –_

Serena, Chuck, Nate, Louis, Jenny, Rufus and Lily - they all have chapters. But somehow, despite being mentioned only a few times, it is Blair who truly devastates the audience –

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry, for the long wait. The Season 5 finale killed my will to write anything! However I have two stories in the making. One is about Blair losing all of her money in Season 5 and the other is about a twisted game of Truth and Dare between between Nate, Serena, Chuck, Blair and Dan that threatens to break up Dan/Blair in Season 5. Please tell me which one you would like me to write when you review. And THANK YOU for continuing to follow this story, please review. Its the only thing that will save my inspiration in the despair that is Season 6.


	3. Rufus Humphrey & His Love Without Truth

**It Must Be Felt With the Heart**

**IsabelleB.**

**Chapter 2: Rufus Humphrey & His Love Without Truth**

**_The Only One Able To Give This Girl A Story and A Heart_**

The Rufus Humphrey Chapter, in all its brilliance, utters deplorable truths:

"…a story with no answer. Here, we find Rufus Humphrey in a struggle for acceptance. And what man wouldn't struggle when his only role is to perform the job of stay-at home husband. What's more shameful is his resignation to the thought that he has no other option. How can a man who, at one point, was the only financial provider to one family believe that his only position in another should be the digressed title of homemaker or even worse as gossiper…. As he wastes away in the Van der Woodsen suite, he bares witness to the most tragic of unnamed victims: a 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon mots tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil. Viewing her half-monster and half-human, his father, Dr. Frankenstein, is the only one able to give this girl a story and a heart. He believes as truly spendthrift scientists believe, that there is usually something beneath the surface with people like that that make them act like they do. And girls like that are challenging, he says, and usually worth it. But I, as examiner and judge, truly wonder how many men have said that before they have sincerely regretted it…."

Despite all his good intentions, Rufus Humphrey had produced and raised not one, but two ogres on the Upper East Side -

* * *

><p><strong><em>More Deceptive Than An Obvious Fact<em>**

When Jenny Humphrey comes knocking on his hotel door, he isn't surprised. Rufus was upset before, but he imagines, he must be livid now. An excerpt from his new book is to be released each week through the New Yorker, and this week, it's all about Rufus Humphrey.

Despite having already told his family and friends that his new book is about them, they don't seem to grasp his book is an affront. The magazine has started with his least offensive material, if you could call a chapter about a househusband such.

In his Rufus Humphrey chapter, the only redeeming portion is about his Father's love of those who he shouldn't. Nothing's more tragic than the detailed account of Rufus's chase of Lily; more beautiful than his encouraging words to his son; and more profound than the love he displays for his only daughter. Every other paragraph is about his role as ineffectual father to his two Brooklynite brutes, his impediment as a one-hit wonder and the lost of his entire manhood to a soft-spoken blonde.

Still, that's not why not he thinks Jenny is here.

"How could you pick her over him?" She screeches at him – the distain that lets him know that she's talking about Blair.

He sighs. "I didn't pick her over anyone. Truthfully, we're not even together."

"That's right," she scoffs back at him. "She hasn't chosen you either –"

She breaks eye contact with him to take a look around his hotel suite. Custom made sheets, twenty-four hour room service, a view of Central Park, and a price tag he can barely afford. She doesn't have to do much to quietly pick him apart. She can discern that everything, including his hotel selection is related to the needs of her sworn enemy, and bothers her to no end. As she sits on the edge of his leather-finished couch, with the same disenchanted look he gets from his father, she tells him what he wants to know least: she's disappointed in him.

Not just disappointed but confused.

"It should be you in the Ostroff Center," she tells him, but all he can tell her with untruthful resignation is that she's overacting.

"Am I?" she questions. "Because the Dan Humphrey I know would never accept someone like Blair Waldorf. And he would never hurt Dad like that either."

Dan Humphrey would never – could he describe in words how frustrating that statement was? An entire life lived by the things he wouldn't do. When had that gotten him anywhere? He wasn't Yale, he wasn't with Serena, he wasn't anything, and yet, that statement was suppose to hold him true to his convictions. No - maybe Dan Humphrey wouldn't. But for better or worse, he just wanted to say what he was thinking from now on. He loves his dad, there's no question about that, but maybe he needed to be to more honest about how he felt. It's just -

"It's just, what? Easier for you to hurt your friends and family instead of hurting her? From what I hear, you'll her hurt plenty." She finishes, standing up from the couch and passing him without so much as a kind word or touch. She's ice, just like her former Constance Billard mentor when she's about to say something deplorably cruel. He braces himself knowing she'll aim to hurt him with her next words.

Instead, she sighs - out of frustration, out of hurt, he's not sure but what he does know that her next words are coming out of love. As she heads to the door to leave, she tells him an obvious fact:

"Despite whatever you have to say about me or Nate or Serena or Chuck," she starts, "there will always be a story related to Blair. And despite your highly biased hand, it was Blair who was usually the villain in each of our stories."

He stays quiet as Jenny leaves because he didn't need her telling him any more truths.

He knows who Blair Waldorf is, and still finds that there's nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact. Even a villain needs a story. And like the French existentialists before him, he prefers to moniker her - his antihero.

* * *

><p><strong><em>She Didn't Have to Say the Words<em>**

He's the Labrador.

"Why are you with me?" he asks her the next time he sees her.

She tries not to look so resentful as she rolled closer to him in his crimson Yves Delorme bedding. "It's certainly not for your tactfulness," she jokes, but he's being serious.

"Humphrey," she pleads with him, not understanding why he has to ruin a good moment; but after enduring two separate arguments with both Rufus and Jenny, he can't help but think she's acting as senseless as he is. If she were smarter, she'd be running a kingdom with a Prince. She was always good at that: bawling orders, dominating territories, negotiating war (if there ever was a contradiction). Or the other hand, he thought quickly, if she was nostalgic, there was always a Golden boy to reclaim. Manhattan always needed Vanderbilt types and what better couple to continue the legacy than a Waldorf and a Archibald. While it felt like a decade ago, he was sure Nathaniel knew how to slide back into that role and put back on that happy but dissatisfied face. Or more challenging, he considered as he eyed her La Perla underwear laying on the edge of the bed - she could be in the arms of a Dark Knight. He was available and always more than willing. And of course, he loved her.

But instead, she was here with him.

"Forget it," he finishes, despite knowing that there's more to it than that. What he's really saying was that he knows that he'll fail in comparison. That there's really no point in mentioning his attributes when he was being likened to a Prince, a Golden Boy and a Dark Knight.

It is what he thinks.

It is what he always thought.

"Dan - " she starts again.

Maybe he really is the toad.

He pulls her in for a short kiss on the forehead before turning to lay on his side. "Just forget it."

He thinks she'll let it go.

The Labrador.

Her devoted secret who had been by her side for the past two weeks; the person giving her no ultimatums and no required changes.

In fact, if anyone had changed, it is him. He was smiling a little bit more, hurting a little bit less. Despite his family dilemmas, he was in a better mood than he had been in in a couple of months. Still, he was also breaking a whole lot more. "Forget it."

But for the first time he sees her pained expression at his self-loathing.

As they both lay on their sides, she gently touches his cheek. Aiming for her favorite spot, her hand travels to the back of his neck, and she wraps her fingers around the curls of his hair. "Its not like I haven't tried to understand it, " she starts. "I want to – "

And of course he waits - knowing how hard it was for her to open up. He'd wait forever honestly. Because in the future, if anyone asks him why he risked it all for her, he'd tell them it was because she was human. Unlike Serena and Vanessa, who he can't help but judge for their imperfections, he finds nothing more beautiful than a flawed Blair Waldorf. Unguarded and even more multifaceted, he can't believe the amount of kindness he finds even in her most unforgivable acts.

When she explains what she's thinking, his heart stalls.

"Despite the mob of doting admirers," she whispers, "sometimes Serena was in short supply of a good listener. She used to tell me these stories about you. About how you'd write her a new life and make her feel different. I used to scoff at her, tell her, she deserved a guy who could buy her jewelry and chocolates, but secretly I always wondered what that felt like. I always knew someone would write a story about me. I just never thought that person would be by my side to hear it – to help me live it and sometimes, make things better. I know it's weird but - don't envy Serena anymore."

Just like that - it's like the first time he told her about his mother, just like the time he comforted her at Dorota's wedding, and just like every other time he has fallen in love with her. Every time she opens to him, he can't help but want to be there with her.

And maybe someone else would need more, maybe that wouldn't be enough. But to him, those few words said it all.

She didn't have to say the words.

Because in his next chapter, he had plenty of words for the both of them.

* * *

><p><em><strong><em>AN: I promise to get the next Chapter out faster but you can help by leaving a review!<em>**_

_Chapter 3: Jenny Humphrey Turned Out Like All the Other Girls At Constance_

_"It's a brave new world, but Jenny Humphrey is still stuck in the old one. Sadly, she's another mass production, stuck in a caste system she had no choosing of. And while the people of her caste make up the majority of human society, she, like everyone else, moans about the lack of supremacy it provides. Instead, she yearns for the recognition of those who don't even know she exists..."_


End file.
